Madame Web Review: An Irredeemable Garbage Fire
It’s not very often that a superhero movie is so bad that you agree with all those villains who want superheroes to cease to exist.
Look, we’ve seen bad superhero movies before. In 2022, Sony’s Spider-Man Universe gave us Morbius, which was an atrocity on every level. Two years later, they have managed to exceed every expectation that we have. And our expectations were low. is unwatchable. There is no redeeming quality that could make this worth watching besides how laughably terrible it is. I’ve seen a lot of bad movies that people can make excuses for because they were low-budget and didn’t have the resources to be as good as they could be. This is an $80 million film using Marvel characters. There is no excuse for this.
I struggle to figure out how a movie like Madame Web got greenlit in the first place. How did nobody mention during the first table read that the dialogue is so poorly written that not even the most talented actor could sell it? How did nobody look at each scene and see how choppily edited everything is? How was this movie allowed to be released in theaters as is? It genuinely feels like they took the very first rough cut of a superhero movie and accidentally leaked the footage into theaters. I think this is the first time I’ve cringed so hard my soul left my body.
We’re gonna start from the top. Our movie opens with a woman who is nine months pregnant looking at spiders in the Amazonian jungle. It’s not the best idea for a pregnant woman to be in this environment, but Madame Web doesn’t have the best ideas. She holds a spider, but her colleague, Ezekiel Sims (Tahar Rahim), turns on her. He points a gun at her and demands the spider. Why does he want the spider so bad? We really only get one line about it. It’s not enough to get anyone in the audience to care about his goal or his motivation. He shoots the pregnant woman, but a tribe saves her baby, who grows up to be Cassie Webb (Dakota Johnson).
Cassie is a paramedic with a very confusing set of
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