Is Mario Actually Any Good at Sports?

esquire.com:

With the premiere of The Super Mario Bros. Movie, we conducted a scouting report of the supposed master of golf, tennis, and karting.

Around the Esquire Gamer Zone water cooler, we're fired up about The Super Mario Bros. Movie.(Editor's note: Once again, there's no water cooler—we're all on Slack—and the Esquire Gamer Zone only drinks blue Gatorade mixed with gamer powder.) One afternoon, as we were discussing the existential dilemma of Chris Pratt's Mario Voice, we asked ourselves a supremely dumb question: Is Mario, you know, actually athletic?

Well, friends, that's a complicated question with a somewhat messy answer. Mario plays a lot of sports. Golf, tennis, karting—we don't need to name them all. All you need to know is that we spent far too much time thinking about whether or not this canonically five-feet-tall plumber could hoop with Steph Curry or lap Lewis Hamilton, as the games themselves would have you believe, and we concluded that Mario's talents vary widely by sport.

You know what's coming, right? Mario's official scouting report, by Super Star value, from Track and Field to MMA. Don't ask questions. Just read.

This is where Mario comes to life. I mean, he goes against the blue guy who's literally famous for going fast. Plus, Mario is the platforming king—i.e. running and jumping—so it stands to reason that he’d be good at track and field. My one concern here is that if he’s dosing Super Shrooms left over from karting to gain speed, or using the propeller hat power-up to gain extra air. Mario, please see that your raw talent is enough. Stop killing yourself for the sport. —Cam Sherrill

Super Stars: 4.5/5

I'm willing to bet every Mushroom coin I own that Mario is a solid driver. Before going pro in 1992's Super