Dear Wheel of Fortune contestants who totally failed last night: I’m so sorry that I was not your mother

polygon.com:

On Tuesday night, Pat Sajak and Vanna White watched in shock as three Wheel of Fortune contestants guessed staggeringly incorrect letters and words in an attempt to solve a somewhat obvious puzzle. Our reaction, to be read in the style of actress AnnaLynne McCord delivering a message to Vladimir Putin, follows.

Dear Wheel of Fortune contestants who totally failed last night I’m so sorry that I was not your mother If I was your mother, you would have been so loved Held in the arms of joyous light Never would this puzzle’s plight The world unfurled before our eyes A pure demise Of the wheel sitting peaceful under a night sky If I was your mother The world would have been warm So much laughter and joy And no missing letters would harm I can’t imagine the stain The soul-stealing pain That the little puzzle-solver you must have seen and believed And the formulation of thought Quickly taught That you lived in a cruel, unjust world. Is this why You now decide No one will get the best of you? Is this why you do not hide Nor shy away from taking back the world? Was it because So early in life All that strife Wracked your little body with fear? If I was your mother If the world was cold I’d have spun the wheel to make you warm. I’d spin the wheel to protect you from the unjust. The phrases, the letters, the uncertainty. I would have spun the wheel to give you life. Oh, dear Wheel of Fortune contestants If only I’d been your mother Perhaps the puzzles of unwrit youth Would not within your heart imbue Ascription to such fealty against That world that seemed so cruel. Perhaps you would hold dear Audience life And on this night Instead of Pat Sajak You would call me. And I would set your mind quite free With the