Well F*ck Me, Tarnished: Elden Ring DLC Is Official

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Time to gorge myself so I can hibernate for another 90 hours.

Just as I had reached a somewhat healthy place in my life again—I sleep eight hours a night, spend quality time with my cat, and work out, sometimes!—this happened:

Elden Ring DLC. 2022's near-unanimous Game of the Year (it surely was here at Esquire) will, at last, return—surely with new and surprising methods of torture. The news arrives roughly a year after the debut of the game. You'll play as the «Tarnished,» a mysterious character who returns from exile to redeem (or further destroy!) a hellish, rotting world. Many a gamer will tell you that Elden Ring is one of the most difficult games they've ever played, forcing you to spend literal days of your time just to get the muscle to survive the first few bosses. Now, we're in for more pain. There's a blog post on Elden Ring Japan's website confirming the news. Here's what Google Translate tells me it says:

What in the George R. R. Martin procrastinblogging hell does that mean? The gamers over at Kotaku are speculating that the figure you see riding Torrent—the Bullseye to your Jesse in Elden Ring—is Miquella. My therapist has classified my 90 hours playing Elden Ring as a not-insignificantly severe manic-depressive episode, so I don't exactly remember who Miquella is. They just better get off my spirit horse. I do remember that giant tree, which looks like it's in duress yet again. Regardless, the current lack of a release date gives me ample time to bulk up before I spend another indeterminate amount of time in hibernation, once again being punished by this damn game. I can't wait.

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