Food Boy wishes only to deliver pizza, but the twerkers won't let him

rockpapershotgun.com:

During his tenure as the foremost newsperson of the 1980s, Atari's Paperboy faced many grievous challenges - squabbling drunks, swarms of bees, the actual Grim Reaper - and yet, day after day he answered the noble call of journalism, lashing his basket to his doughty BMX and daring the treacherously oblique suburbs of Reaganite America.

Speaking as both a news editor and a former paperboy, who broke his mind and body hauling obese Sunday editions to the millionaire houses at the top of the valley, Paperboy is my role model. Or he would be if my role model weren't actually Steven Spielberg's Freakazoid. Paperboy's heyday has long since passed into history, however, and the business of journalism has changed beyond recognition. People don't read newspapers anymore, they just eat pizza. This, at least, is the condensed analysis offered by Food Boy, which launched this week on Steam.

Food Boy should be called Pizza Boy, of course. I assume he isn't called Pizza Boy because either 1) some other game is called Pizza Boy or 2) Pizza Boy is also the name of a Game Boy Advance emulator, and Food Boy has cares enough without the prospect of getting accidentally shanked by Nintendo's lawyers. He inhabits a world in which people are so famished for deep dish that going without it for mere seconds drives them absolutely berserk, causing them to gallop after Food Boy cursing and wailing and collide with him so violently it causes a nuclear explosion. My working thesis is that either Food Boy or his world are made of antimatter.

Fortunately, Food Boy has weapons to wield against these pie-eyed maniacs. His weapons are: pizza. It turns out that the only way to repel people maddened by the lack of pizza is to hit them with pizza, for Poison Was The Cure. Look, Food Boy didn't ask to be born into this hateful, contradictory cosmos. He just wants to cycle along lines of twinkling collectible CDs, do jumps off ramps and listen to hip hop. He dreams of a better life for his