Frickin’ Duke Nukem vs. Scorpion, who kicks more ass!!?!!!

polygon.com:

Are you wearing pants right now? Well, you’d better take them off fast, because you’re about to shit yourself. Get in the bathtub, right now, and get ready to rinse that shit off, because it’s time for the manliest video game match-up of all time: DUKE NUKEM versus SCORPION!!!

Surprise, turd nugget! You’re going to have to wipe all of that vomit and blood off of your shirt now, too!

The Mortal Kombat tournament has yet to see a fighter with testicles as rock-hard as Duke Nukem’s. Duke has a terrifying set of testes. As in, medical professionals would express extreme concern if they witnessed the sheer brassiness of these balls — but Duke isn’t about to let some doctor stroke his sweet sack. Unless that doctor was a hot babe, of course … but how would she maintain her professionalism around Duke Nukem?!?

I know what you’re thinking: If Duke’s already on Shang Tsung’s island, wouldn’t he want to shatter Johnny Cage’s sunglasses straight into that copycat’s eyeballs, splattering bits of his brain matter into a big goopy skull Slushie? No need. Duke already chomped down on that bag of wet noodles for dessert last night, and he didn’t even stick around for breakfast. This all-American, alien-fighting hero could only face a formidable opponent: Scorpion, the blazing hot ninja who’s been to Hell and back. Everybody’s ass is about to get lit the fuck up!!! We warned you about those pants.

Scorpion has been barbecuing fools like a Weber gas grill since the original 1992 Mortal Kombat, a game so blisteringly bloody that it led to a whiny pack of sore losers inventing the ESRB. Out of everybody in the old-school lineup, Scorpion’s got the highest cool factor. You’d think the winner of that belt would be the icy cold Sub-Zero, but